in shade

I find dramatically ironic that I was born the very same day in year that Jan Paweł II’s soul departed from his body. I’ve never been a church-going man. I don’t like to stand up and talk about religion. But it’s somehow very sad to know, that now, the day in which you want to be happy, want to be remembered, want to celebrate – is crushed, as there is someone much bigger than you, who draws whole attention. It’s like your existence dwells constantly in shade. They pass near you, but they don’t see anything.

I hate to be such grinded-down. My personal wish for myself is to find a way to let go. Empty myself, get rid of all those traumatic past and start again with smile.

I don’t remember a year in which my birthday was a happy day. I don’t even remeber being given a gift, or offered a party. Guess that I (silently) expect way to much.

my body is more clever than me

About getting up earlier : I’ve noticed very spooky thing. It happened to me years before but I never really thought about it. Here it is : if you are setting your alarmclock to the same hour everyday, your body adjusts to this cycle. Now here is most important part. You have to choose an unpleasant, loud alarm sound – a one that will scare you as hell at the morning. The fun/spooky part about it that after some time (1-2 weeks) your body is so adjusted to it that you will start to wake up few minutes before the alarm! I don’t know how it works, maybe it’s related to my alarmclock, making some sounds before the actual alarm (which I doubt), maybe it’s body/brain figuring out during sleep – “oh geez, in few minutes there will be this terrible sound. I don’t want to go through this again. Let’s wake up, quick!”.

Funny :)

good habit requires a conscious effort

Having spring/summer period coming soon in my mind, I’ve once again started to force/convince myself to improve on several things. Some of them are too private to post them here, but amongst others there are :

• wake up early (7:00 – 8:00)
• loose weight (approx 20 pounds / 10 kilos )
• loose belly fat and develop visible muscles there
• give up (or reduce dramatically) on coke drinking

As you can see (figure out) they are all connected to each other. 

The first one is a real killer for me. I used to get up early when I was < 15. But after I’ve started middle school and studies, it’s virtually impossible for me to wake up at the time I want to, on daily basis. However in special cases (travel, very important meeting) I’m able to get up on set hour. This makes me think that it’s really 95% of mindwork here, just to put yourself in correct, positive mindset. I really regret all those morning hours I’m loosing, which I could use for getting ready for the day, excercises etc.

Loosing weight is inspired by my Dad’s actions recently. He started a South Beach diet, wanting to loose some belly fat and to get healthier. We’re both sceptics when it comes to “magic things” that involves your body, but somehow my Dad lost 8 pounds in few days. So I’m starting to gather some informations about this diet. From what I know, it’s based on sound medicine and it’s not that rigoristic about your menu. I plan to support this with lots of excercises, so who knows, maybe it will work. I plan to start it as soon as I can prepare some recipes for me and gather ingredients.

As for Coke, it’s rather obvious. I work in IT, and drinking Coke is almost a standard here, especially for those who don’t like coffee (like me). Recently I’m liking it less, so there’s hope I can pick something instead of Coke to drink during worktime.

All of those things aren’t really hard or expensive. All it takes is to find 30 mins of your time everyday and do some stuff. But the definitely most hard part is to change your mind and have strong will. If you say : don’t do that – then don’t. Under any circumstances – don’t. Getting rid / changing your habits is a thing I find very difficult for me. It’s easy to develop and take a bad habit. It’s hard to change it into good habit, because it comes with great cost – you have to want it, think about it. But the effort is worth it.

I hope.

Fingers crossed.

guitar lessons (or “binge and grab”)

I like to play guitar. I own a lead one as well as accoustic. When I was a little kid, I had few musician friends, who played alot of different instruments. I think they influenced alot (voyteck, voyteck, are you reading this, mate?), forcing me to hear how they play and what they listen to. Back then I had a little knowledge about how versatile music can be. My Dad is a fan of good old bands, like Pink Floyd, Deep Purple, Camel etc. so I learned to like them too. But I haven’t made any real progress from that point. They showed me a helluva lot of different bands, starting from RATM, thru NIN, ending at guitarist such as Van Halen or Joe Satriani.

So one day, being at my grandparents’ house, I’ve discovered my cousin’s old dusty classical guitar. I’ve picked it up gently, being afraid to broke or scratch something. I’ve opened the case, and…

Well, at that time, I just looked at it. I have no idea what to do with it. So I have decided I will learn. But I didn’t want to get a teacher or to just practice chords. It was completely boring for me. So my method was to download some easier tabs of songs I’ve listened to those days (I’ve started with TOOL songs) and to try to play them, bit after bit. It was amazing. I’ve tried hard, and after a while, familiar sounds began to rise from guitar. I was happy that I can actually play (and hear) the same thing that’s on the CD. Day after they I’ve been learning something new. But…

I’ve stopped. I don’t really know why, possibly because of lack of time ot maybe interest lost. From time to time I’ve been picking my guitar, but all I could play were bits from those songs I’ve learned years ago. Shame.

Nevertheless, a year ago I showed a guitar to my younger brother Filip (16 now). He’s a guy who like to play ball, watch tv, do some drawings, play a computer game. But he’s burning out quickly. It’s hard to make him really interested and curious about something. And it wasn’t different in this case, too. He quickly decided that it’s boring and too hard. So all I have told him was to use the very same method I’ve picked to learn – try to play your favourite songs and see how fun this can be.

And he did :) We’re both fans of Buckethead. One of my dearest friends (lots of kisses, Ola!) showed me two of BH’s albums – Colma and Monsters & Robots. I fell in love with them. Now I have a full Buckethead discography and I really regret I’ve paid only for few CD’s from that collection – the rest I’ve simply downloaded from P2P. Some of them are really hardly available here in Poland, but I promise you, BH, your amazing art defends itself – and I plan to buy all of them, sooner or later. Anyways, it was Buckethead songs my brother picked to learn from. I was astonished, since most of them are absolutely unplayable, unless you are a cyborg – Buckethead’s style is hard to learn and follow, he’s amazing. Day after day my brother practised.

And yesterday, I’ve suddenly discovered that he can play guitar A LOT better than me know. I have virtually no idea, where, how and when this young pup learned so much. It seems like he has a natural talent to play. He’s still on the stage, where he just plays a song and nothing more (no improvisation etc.), but, hey, it’s only a year! He made tremendous progress and I’m delighted by this fact. Actually, I’m even jealous. It was always me who was teaching him how to do this or that. And now it’s no longer.

So I’m really getting back into guitar. Gotta use some practising regime, learn new things, play new songs, as my brother has reminded me, how fun and enjoyable guitar can be. Maybe I should hire a private guitar teacher or buy an online course. One of those, probably. It’s cool to imagine both of us, jamming in one room. Looking forward to this, ASAP :)

job != punishment, period.

(this is what my Dad used to say)

Something I have to get off my chest. In a positive way. It’s about my new job.

I have been working as a developer in certain place for almost two years. I really liked this job at the beginning, people were great and everything seemed so cool. But month after month I was discovering some little quirks that made me sad panda. It was really hard to make a decision, as I felt like I was bound to this place forever, and I simply were abit afraid of change. Guess most of us always is.

But after a while some borderline has been crossed and decisions HAD to be made. And they were. I’ve changed my job. And, I don’t want to make a pean, the change is huge.

Basically I’ve found myself surrounded again by nice, helpful and smiling people, but this time the main difference is that they are happy with what they are doing and they know their job. They are professionals striving for quality. I cannot stress how important this is for me. Never thought that the overall atmosphere of the place can influence so much. And it’s nothing that I can particulary point. Amazing.

I have competent collegues, boss (or three, even) that makes me think “wow, this guy has outstanding both technical and social knowledge”, comfortable place to work, lovely teammate who I respect for excellence and sense of humour and really like to work with, and last but not least – somewhat feeling of being “safe”. I know that whenever I come up with a suggestion, it will be heard and discussed. I know that whenever I will need to learn something, they will help. With that, I can relax and concentrate on doing my job best. Sometimes I check my watch and I’m suprised that it’s actually time to return home.

And that’s what it’s all about.  Thanks!

sun is fun

Well, today it was, I guess, first really sunny and warm day in this year, here in Poznań. It’s astonishing – people are taking off their jackets, coats, talking more, smiling more. It feels like there is really something in sunrays that makes us (a lot) happier.

Good feeling.

terrible illusion : hope

“Most ironic of all, was the last gift that Raziel had given me. More powerful than the sword that now held his soul, more acute even than the vision that his sacrifice had accorded me. The first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion: hope. ”

Kain (Legacy of Kain : Soul Reaver)

Blog is for expressing your thoughts and feelings, right? And it’s best to do it quickly, as you feel it, so that you know what you feel, you don’t have to remember it. Very well then. Maybe not the best way to start a blog, but then again, which post will be? Better not to keep it.

Ever wondered how much we are driven by illusions? Our own illusions. What we think and feel can drastically change / influence every single moment of our lives. And there is nothing rational about it. Often you cannot even explain. It just is. Good topic for psychologists etc. Hard to pack everything into few lines. But…

In a very unstable moment of my life, something happened. Something I dramatically fought for past year. It changed my disposition, it made me feel better.  Maybe I’m wrong, exaggereting, misinterpreting and falling into another illusion. At this point it doesn’t matter, as the real effect is positive (for now).

I’ve been given a gift.

Of hope.

First tuple in your database, Sir.

So it came to be, that I’ve decided to create my first own blog. I planned this for over a year or so :).  I’ve tried various blog engines and hosting, but finally decided to pick wordpress as most robust. It’s far from perfect, but I like it, really. Before you ask a question – yes, I’ve decided to write in English, even if I’m from Poland. There are various reasons behind that, I’ll explain that soon. Also note : if you ever notice a horrible grammar error at this site, please give me a sign – I’ll be grateful for that.

This is only a jump-start for now. If you want to learn something about me or know the origin of this blog, please visit other pages (the link should be to the right).  I will be updating them in next few days.

So, there you go, another blog has been born. Yay.