What kind of friend you are? What your friendships are set upon?
Mine are mostly unusual. I mean, what determines a “milestone” of relationship? Where is that point, you are doing one step further? Starting to meet more often, talk more often, talk about more important (to you) and deep things? Start to send a quite calm note towards other person, singing something like : “I like being in here with you”, “I’m so glad to see you”, “I’ve missed you so much”. Start to find a gently touch contact with other person. Starting to hug. Starting to love (sometimes, why not)? I can image you have lots of friends. But how many of them are really ones you can (and you will) trust, no matter what? And when you meet someone, how often you go past easy relation, engange, commit some effort, heart, feelings?
And what is the “cornerstone” of such relation? Is this a hobby? Sex? The same ideas? Shared memories? Just living together?
Let me tell you more about what’s in my head right now.
I tend to think of my relations like of jewels (or gold). It’s a nice metaphor for how much you have to put to get something (much more, often) in exchange. You come across a plain stone, unknown to you. But in time, you start to discover the details. And it’s fascinating. And after some time, you begin to find more and more things connecting you to that stone (person). A process of learning and discovering of each other is something unusual (yet, not easy). And as result you have this piece of jewel. And it is of great value to you, it gains a “precious” word next to previous “stone”. I enchant my relations into marble stones. It’s unfortunate that most of people I really value are far away. This is just a way to give them a reminder that from now on they’re not alone. Reminders are important, because we easily forget about people in our life.
I was never sure (I’m still not) if this is a good thing. I remeber each and every moment of my life (connected with people). I don’t like the idea of “well, it’s a new place, new life, let’s start once again, and get rid of the past”. Maybe it’s not always that harsh. But people do forget. Their previously gleaming stones are going rusty and finally lose it’s glitter. That’s why we need a constant reminder, that we’re not alone and nothing is lost in our life. We’re too often and too easy giving up on people, not fighting in hard times for what we’ve valued so much, recently. We just forget and look for something else. Always for something else, in a blind hope that someone else will fit us better – or just will be in near more often. That’s hard for me to accept. Call it an idealistic view.
Memories for me are things that defines our life, describes our past, influences present, builds future. Relations based upon memories are hard to wipe. They shouldn’t be. It’s not doable most of the time, because it’s like ripping part of yourself. Those are the strongest bonds. Those bonds consist of close private thoughts, setting a connection based on nothing that you can really easily name. Like an unspoken spell draining it’s power from a diagram of shared blurred memories. I guess that kind of emotion can take different forms and can be shaped, molded differently. It’s also unfolding with time. I guess it’s what my “credo” is all about. To understand someone, to grow a connection, you need to be, somehow a part of his/her past or present. To relieve it for yourself, in your own way, but keeping in mind, that this is not yours past, respecting it.
They have various names for it, depending on it’s actual form, but the initial base, I believe, is the same I’ve mentioned before. Respect, friendship, trust, love. People are usually scared when such declarations are made. “let’s be friends”, “let’s be lovers”. It’s ironic how we act more safely, when we don’t name things we’re treading on. It takes great courage to admit that you need someone, that you are grateful that someone exists, talks to you, smiles to you or just crosses your path in one way or another. It really does. These days, in our tv-fashioned popculture, people are picking easy ways and they’re afraid of thinking about themselves, people around, world around, name some things. That’s why more and more things looks weird to us.
Declaring friendship is one of them.
I easy go emotional. Today is no different. It’s sad to once again say “goodbye” and just pretend like nothing happened and go back to “normal” life. I’m unable to do that. While I can understand various reasons for others to leave, it does not help, really. There is always some kind of vicious fury, strangling regret, that something changes, that I cannot stop it, though I wish I would be able to. I easily grow attached to people and having to drop that rope makes me very, very sad. This is a 4th time I have to do that. It’s 4th, but it seems like there were countless times before. And it’s always somewhat painful. Yet, there is nothing I can do. Another challenge to preserve a freshly settled connection, despite “all the evil” around. It’s certainly not an easy task.
I am still here though. I would like to believe that my word means something. Nothing lasts. Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost. Everything is changing into something else. And I am here, whenever you (will) need me.
Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden
Sick Puppies (“All the Same”)
from The Free Hug Campaign